Say "Aah"

Or "AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH!!", which would be a perfectly normal reaction upon seeing I have written TWO posts in one night/morning.  Apparently I have too much to write about to be confined to one itsy-bitsy 7000-word post.  So here comes another.  Ha, just kidding.  I'll limit this one to a maximum of 5000 words.

And now onto another exciting episode of "A Day in the Life of Kenneth", or "Shoot Me Now" as it is colloquially known.  Prepare to be astonished by my wisdom or the lack thereof.

A point of order before I launch into my story: "today" is yesterday, not today.  The day changed at midnight officially, but I'm still awake and therefore it's still "today".  If that's not perfectly clear, then one of us is stupid.  No comments about which one of us that might be, although in my defense, it is either really late or really early, either of which seems like an excellent excuse for reduced brain function.

After James left this afternoon (that's "today"), Alex and I headed to McDonald's to join the millions of other Americans who blame Ronald for our obesity.  Yay for transferring blame!  Anyhoo, after our delicious low-calorie health food and the subsequent regret, we thought we'd go to the best place to shake off those pesky feelings that one is unattractive and overweight: the mall!  As you all probably know, most of the stores in malls cater to two basic types of people: thin and gorgeous, and thinner and gorgeous-er.  Thus, as we wandered around the mall looking for the food court (SHUT UP! Alex was low!), we couldn't help but notice that there appeared to be only two types of people patronizing the mall stores.  The thin and gorgeous, as you may expect, were everywhere, flaunting their thinness and gorgeousness and basking in the neon lights of stores made just for their skinny butts.  But if you think that the other group was the thinner and the gorgeous-er, think again.  It was precisely the opposite.  Now, being the resident of a particularly fragile dwelling, I hate to toss around large rocks, but some of these people would have looked upon Quasimodo with aspirations and jealousy.  This got me wondering: if one accepts the premise that only two types of people frequent malls - and one must, for my logic is undeniable - then to which group does one belong?

The answer did not make one happy, so one has determined to no longer frequent malls.  It was either that or admit that one might be wrong, and one really hates doing that.  Or, a third option that one has just now thought of: the allowance of an 'observer' group that is neither thin and gorgeous nor fat and ugly, but instead goes to the mall merely to observe the other two groups in their unnatural environment.

One is satisfied.  Perhaps one shall have ice cream.

(Trey Songz)